I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
