I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
