i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
