OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
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I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
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It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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