The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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