Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
