If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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