She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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