I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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