When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
