I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
