I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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