Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
