I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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