A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
