I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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