***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
