I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
