Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
