My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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