I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
