Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
