The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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