i just snorted my name. best moment ever
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
my shit smells like andre
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
