A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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