So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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