bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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