Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
