sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
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