i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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