I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
