Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
