I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
