so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My feet surprised me
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