my phone needs a breathalizer
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
