who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
