All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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