fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
