dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
