OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Two words: nipple clamps
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