apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
