You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
