I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
