I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
