I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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