I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
