he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Drake has all the answers
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
