genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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