Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
A bitchslap is in order.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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