"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Is that strawberry winking at me??
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
