i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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