Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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