I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
