cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
