Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
