So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
