90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
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So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
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College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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